‘The Bachelor’ episode 9 recap: Raven’s never had an orgasm, Corinne’s fate is sealed

In a short episode, we learn a whole lot about Raven’s past.

The last episode of The Bachelor ended on a cliffhanger, and I have a message for ABC: Stop it. At this point, these shouldn’t even be called cliffhangers, they should be called “how The Bachelor always ends now.”

You don’t have to do this. We didn’t come this far — TO THE FINAL FOUR — not to find out what happens. Those of us still watching this show are in it for the long haul. And sometimes, we just want to find out who gets sent home at the end of an episode like we did in the good old days.

WHATEVER, I’M OVER IT, LET’S DO THIS

When we left off, Andi Dorfman, Nick’s first Bachelor-franchise love, had just showed up at Nick’s hotel room. The producers tried to make it seem like maybe something was going to happen between them, but we, Sports Bachelor Nation, are smarter than that. We knew this was a fake-out, and we were right.

All they do is sit around drinking whiskey and talking about Nick’s feelings. Andi’s like, “Soooo, how areeee youuuu?” in that typical way one does when one is on national TV catching up with one’s ex one met and dumped on national TV. Andi tells Nick he should sleep with the women in the fantasy suites if he wants to, rather than hold back in his desire for “clarity” (whatever that means). She calls it her feminist rant.

Most of the whiskey-fueled, feminist rants my friends and I go on end with, “AND THAT’S WHY ALL MEN ARE INHERENTLY BAD AND THE PATRIARCHY MUST BE DISMANTLED!” so I’m not sure Andi’s qualifies, but I guess there are degrees to everything.

Andi asks Nick if he regrets asking, after she dumped him, “Why would you make love with me if you weren’t in love with me?” Nick apologizes. High five, Nick. Way to realize that women don’t have to be in love to get it on.

THE COLDEST ROSE CEREMONY OF ALL TIME

The four remaining women are standing outside on a deck at a hotel in Brooklyn. They’re wearing evening gowns with jackets layered over them. It makes no sense to have them wait outside in New York City in the winter, a place that — believe it or not — does have heated indoor rooms. Trust me, I’m sitting in one right now. They exist.

All the women are anxiety spiraling in confessionals while Nick gets drunk with his ex-girlfriend. We’re about to cut to commercial, but, before we do, we see a preview of the rest of the episode we’re about to watch, in which Raven tells the camera that she’s never had an orgasm before.

That is … there is … WHAT?! She’s 25 and has never had an orgasm? Never at all? Or never with a man she’s having sex with? I have so many questions, but I’m going to wait to worry about it until we actually get to that part of the show.

BACK AT THE FREEZING COLD ROSE CEREMONY

Nick shows up. Raven gets a rose, as we knew she would, thanks to that bombshell of a tease. We know that Rachel won’t end up being the love of Nick’s life because she’s the next Bachelorette, but she’s safe for now.

Oh, God. It’s between Vanessa and Corinne.

NOOOOOO, CORINNNEEEE, NOOOOOOO!

I’m actually yelling at my TV. I knew Corinne had to go home. I knew it, but it still hurts. She’s a young 24, whereas Raven is coming across as an older 25, even though they’re both way too young for Nick, who’s a washed-up, 36-year-old Bachelor-goer-on-er. But I digress: Back to Corinne. NOOOOOO!

Nick walks her out, and she apologizes between sobs for ever doing anything wrong. He’s very sweet with her; he’s like, “Trust me, you didn’t.” You can tell he really cares about her, just not in a “wife” way.

Corinne’s sad limo goodbye scene is so Corinne and therefore so perfect that, despite my heartbreak over about not getting to hang out with this spectacular creature every Monday night, I feel a little bit better. She says:

“I just want to feel loved the way it’s supposed to be, like, the normal way. Like, why can’t I just have a normal relationship? I say the things that men think are appropriate and, you know what, I’m done. I’m done trying to show my men how much I love them and care for them and support them. I need that, so if someone feels that way about me, they can come and tell me, and bring a ring, too. I’m done trying to impress these men. I’m going to be me. And whatever happens happens. But I will never kiss up to a man, ever again, in my life. I want to go to sleep.”

And she closes her eyes and goes to sleep.

Corinne’s, I would argue, is the true feminist rant of the night. Or at least as close as we’re going to get.

IT’S TIME TO GO TO FINLAND, THE TROPICS OF THE NORTH

The Bachelor always ends in a tropical location, but you know what they say about Finland: “It’s the Barbados of the Arctic Circle!”

Which is ostensibly why we’re here. It’s very beautiful. There are also only three hours of daylight, which means even more time to get rip-roaring drunk in darkness.

Raven’s date starts out in a bar. They’re playing darts with locals — three jolly, round white dudes wearing fur hats who must be Santa’s cousins.

To the camera, Nick says that Raven has a “Southern, sweet charm” and a “wonderful, edgy craziness,” which is the “perfect combo of salty and sweet.” He’s “falling harder and harder for her.”

I don’t love the salty-sweet analogy because I don’t think you’d ever describe a man that way, but Nick assures us he’s a feminist when he insists that he doesn’t expect a wife to cook and clean for him.

Raven is like, “That’s good, because I can’t cook.” And Nick is like, “How do you feel about laundry?” And she’s like, “I own a clothing store, I fold stuff all day.” And he’s like, “Well, I can iron.” And she’s like, “Cool, but I’m going to introduce you to a steamer and change your life,” and I’m like, “Why are we trying to one-up each other about chores?”

But, hey, at least they’re discussing the logistics of having a life together rather than just talking about how talking about their feelings went.

RAVEN’S ORGASM-LESS LIFE

Raven, to the camera, says, “I’ve only have sex with one person. I’ve never had an orgasm before. It’s really taboo to discuss, but it’s important … maybe I hadn’t before with my last person because I really didn’t trust him. You have to trust someone to be able to go there.”

HOO, BOY, there’s a lot to unpack here.

  1. Imagine a man saying he’d never had an orgasm at the age of 25. I’m sure those guys are out there, but they’re few and far between, because in our society, men are supposed to. And yet, for women, there’s still a lot of shame associated with sexual pleasure.
  2. That’s garbage.
  3. Men: BE BETTER AT SEX!
  4. Honestly, what is your problem? Figure out how to make a woman feel good and then do it, for crying out loud.
  5. R.I.P. Raven’s ex. You just got dunked on so hard on national TV that I’m pretty sure you’re dead now.
  6. If Raven’s lying, and she did have good sex with her ex but is just saying this to get back at him for cheating on her with that nurse, it’s the most impressive troll job I’ve ever witnessed. I wouldn’t put it past her, given that she’s already told us she hit him over the head with a stiletto.

DINNER IN FINLAND WITH LOTS OF WINE AND TALK ABOUT FEELINGS

At dinner, Raven is mainlining red wine, and Nick’s like, “Whoah, take it easy, champ!” Except he doesn’t say that, he just gently makes her put it down.

Raven tells him she was with her ex for two years but they never said I love you, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, you had bad sex with this guy for two years?”

Raven, through tears, says that she feels really comfortable with Nick, and then she says this:

“My dad used to tell me as a little girl that he prayed I would have an easy love. From the very beginning it was easy for me to see you as a partner. It was easy for me to see you, after seeing you with Bella [his little sister they keep trotting out on this show] as being a dad. And then it was too easy, how comfortable I felt with you. And I do love you. The worst thing I could do would be not tell you that.”

I’m here for this. Love is best when it’s easy. When it doesn’t feel like something you have to carve out space for or something that saps energy from you.

I’m going to be earnest for a second and channel my inner advice columnist, something I’ve secretly always wanted to be: If a relationship is painful — if the communication is bad, if the other person can be mean, or make you feel stupid, or taken for granted, or used, or left hanging — that’s hard, difficult love. It can still be love, sure. You can really care about someone who makes you miserable.

You just don’t have to put up with them.

Because I guarantee you — I guarantee — that there’s someone else out there who will be kind to you. Someone who will enrich your life rather than making you want to pull your hair out. “Easy love” won’t always be easy, of course, but starting from a good place makes the bad times far more tolerable than starting from a place that often hurts.

Hold out for that.

*~*~OK, back to your regularly scheduled jokes~*~*

Raven is like, now that I’ve said “I love you,” can I have more wine please? And then she tells Nick she’s never had an orgasm.

We end with Nick reenacting the training montage from Rocky in the snowy, northern woods.

A FEW THOUGHTS

  1. At least there won’t be any added pressure on Nick to make this a good sexual experience for Raven!
  2. I bet he ends up not sleeping with her. He kind of chickens out a lot, so that would be on brand for Mr. Curveball.
  3. I think Nick really likes Raven. I think Raven is going to win.
  4. This was a short episode. Next week is a regular two-hour long, Finnish extravaganza, followed by “The Women Tell All,” when the ones who got kicked off get to confront Nick. So please know that if I die next Tuesday, it was The Bachelor that killed me.
  5. Everyone’s giving Nick shit about the turtleneck sweater he wore, but I don’t really have strong opinions about it. How’s that for a lukewarm take?

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